here comes the sun

one of jacob's more straightforward spelling assignments





we're midway through the week before thanksgiving. the twins have minimum days all week this week because of parent-teacher conferences.



can i be honest? the thought of sitting down with the teachers and the boys is slightly terrifying to me. i feel disproportionately anxious about it. mostly, when i have to go to the school, i feel like a raw nerve. i feel exposed and emotional... easily hurt or angered. i feel like the teachers are always about to deliver bad news, the other parents are going to judge our family or say something insensitive, the other kids in the class are going to ask us a lot of questions about why the boys do the things that they do.



and it will hurt. all of it.



and i will react badly. and say something harsh. or, sometimes worse, i won't say anything. and it will get the best of me. and i won't enjoy spending time with my boys at their school. and marvel at their progress. enjoy their expanding independence. or mirror their enjoyment.



it seems like after all this time in the mainstream classrooms, i should feel a little more at ease, but i still feel like a visitor. like we're just pretending to belong there. and that feels like a huge weakness. and i have to overcome it because it is a luxury that i cannot afford.



so, in the spirit of thanksgiving, i will say that i am thankful that everything changes. that while all these past days i have been a coward, crying in my car after someone says something lame to me--- my boys have been going to their classes and smiling at their teachers, aides and classmates. and i can learn to smile, too. and risk the hurts. because everything changes. and tomorrow, there might be fewer hurts and the sting of those hurts might be less and less until it doesn't even register a flinch.

tricks or treats

in keeping with our grand halloween traditions of dreaming big and then, procrastinating, i give you halloween 2010

months ago, isaac told us that he wanted to be killer moth from the lego batman wii game. i had to give him some serious points for creativity and a willingness to appear completely random. he also mentioned that he wanted to look like a lego minifigure... our visions might have diverged a little on this point, but we attempted a compromise.

meanwhile, jacob gave us a sketch of a skeleton costume, complete with hood and cape. fully aware that there are a million skeleton costumes in the world, i decided that i would still make one completely from scratch (enter grand domesticity delusion). i clung to that idea until we were less than a week from halloween and i still hadn't produced a costume and jacob had seen one at target and stood in front of it, saying rapturously, "it looks just like him." we conceded and bought him the costume, but replaced the ugly rubber mask with a paper mache skull.

lucas couldn't seem to care less about costumes in general, and had given us no real idea what he might want to be. for several weeks, we insisted that we were going to make him an orca costume. we sketched it. we debated its finer points. we acquired some felt. we gave up with 2 days to spare. (sorry, lucas!) the little man seemed more than happy with his storebought costume and adhesive moustache (parental guilt mildly dulled).

isaac as lego killer moth: at most doors, he was addressed as "alien" at which point
he would say, "i'm killer moth, and i'm here to throw in."

jacob as a semi-spooky skeleton. his grin was meant to make him seem friendlier, but from a distance and in most photos. the teeth look like stitches-- like his mouth is sewn closed. the spookiness was further enhanced by his deep and scratchy sounding "trick or treat".

lucas as mario. he surprised us by repeatedly posing with one arm and leg up (a la mario) and keeping his sticky moustache on. like many moustache devotees, he actually seemed preoccupied with straightening, smoothing and grooming it.

in spite of the multiple revisions and costume delays, our halloween was pretty awesome. all three boys loved trick or treating. they were pretty reliable about saying "thank you" and "happy halloween". and, as a bonus, they haven't inquired once about where their halloween candy disappeared to...

warm-ups

couple of things.



first, it's october. wow.



second, the walk was last weekend(!).



third, i haven't started making any of the halloween costumes.



fourth, i think you might know what the rest of my october is going to look like...

schmonday

i'll post later this week about how k and i were on the radio this morning. did you miss it? it was (kind of, but not really) awesome.

what i really want to note is that during bedtime prayers tonight, isaac asked for a blessing on dad and a blessing that "we will never have homework again".

can he get an amen?

miscellaneous

2008 valentine's day picture that i found on mom's laptop.

it is a rainy sunday morning and i'm sneaking in a few hours on a borrowed laptop...

this past week has been long. long, as in, it required two boxes of le petit ecolier cookies to get through it.

the long bits are boring. and, well, long. the interesting bits are as follows:

one night, while straightening up the boys' room, isaac asked me if he could smell my hair.

"it smells like hair," he pronounced.

ok. so far so good.

"it looks like sprouts," he continued.

"what?"

"it LOOKS like sprouts," he said matter-of-factly and staring straight into my eyes as though forcing me to face a very unpleasant truth. i submit. my hair does look like sprouts.

jacob asked to call ragain during a break of his tutoring session. he almost never asks to use the phone, but i dialed it for him, not really sure what he was going to say. it turned out that he was going to make a very tearful plea for ragain to come home. it was a toss-up between whether it was more sweet or more heartbreaking. the jury is still out.

lucas was running around like a maniac the other night after the twins were in bed. he was shrieking and shouting and going in circles. i felt in desperate need of semi-silence so i said, "lucas, shhhhhhhhhh!"

he whirled around, extended one arm toward me and said, "mama, be quiet!"

it was so imperious. i laughed for a minute. then, i kind of just sat there and wondered if i should have done something differently...

my brother-in-laws, ryan and robert, came to town on wednesday night. ryan lives in texas and does not pretend to have a texan accent. at least, not in front of us. he makes me laugh and is in the market for a little girl's name that has three syllables and ends with an "a". his third daughter is due next month. don't worry, we made him a pretty good list.

robert, also makes me laugh, and is fun to shop with. i know we get each other because we can have a very impassioned conversation on how important it is to like the feel and weight of your everyday silverware. i can even forgive him the time he forced me to try a (truly) atrocious vegan cookie. love you, robert.

ragain and i went to our niece, alyssa's wedding last night. i realized i was wearing a bib of graham cracker crumbs on the way there (luckily) after isaac had stroked the embellished neckline of my shirt. wardrobe mishaps aside, we had fun, danced on the sloped dancefloor and ate all of the strawberry caramel favors too quickly. oh, and they played the REO speedwagon song that i wrote about last time. how meant-to-be is that?!?!?!

*notes for the future: steph + too much hairspray = super big hair. like mandrell-sisters-big.

monday loves r.e.o. speedwagon

although i will be (am, right now) typing this on monday. i am actually writing it on sunday night. our laptop is still broken, so i am going old-school and writing in a spiral bound notebook.

it feels remarkably nostalgic. and, i can almost imagine my teenage self sitting in a classroom filling notebook after notebook with very intense musings. the trip down memory lane runs abruptly off course when lucas, wearing buzz lightyear underoos, requests more texas toast.

and, zoom. we're back to present day. i'm eating leftover mashed-potato-and-bacon pizza. it

needs some salt, but it still pretty amazing.

the weekly ads are scattered around me. reminders of where i do and do not want to buy produce.

the twins are in bed and presumably asleep as there is no sound from their room.

lucas is sitting, surrounded by his schleich animal collection, humming and making sound effects. in his daytime clothes, he's looking more and more like a little boy... but in his skivvies, i can still see traces of baby. and i'm glad.

on the off-chance that he's tired enough to want to be cuddled like a baby, i lean in and tell him i love him when he walks by. he raises his eyebrows at me and allows me to kiss his cheek. i laugh at his primness and decide to wait out his cool-customer routine.

i start to delve into the things that i want to write about... because they're the things that i want to remember when i look back and wonder where the time went. and there are a lot of things. but lucas, has come back around. he holds his arms out and says, "hug". he's never asked me for one. i pull him into my lap and put down my pen. i'll remember the other things later...

*** the above title is in no real reference to this post. the past couple of weeks have been challenging. and the bright spots have been a little harder to come by. but i keep thinking of this moment that i had while i was driving alone and r.e.o. speedwagon came on the radio. i can't say that i'm a real fan... but for whatever reason, this song ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-mw1HGJjdA ) spoke to me in that moment and i sang along. loudly. (badly.) and drummed the steering wheel. and loved it. what do you think? mid-life crisis?

letter to future steph: 1

dear future steph,

greetings from the past! you might be reading this on some sort of screen, or having swallowed a large, gel-filled pill, this message might be projected just behind your eyes. and in that case, wow.

whether reading or ingesting this message, here is some potentially useful information:

- never buy herb-flavored popcorn. it is wretched and not unlike chewy gobs of bad breath.

- sparkly band-aids ARE cute. but they're not for you. they also abandon ship at the first sign of water.

-you shouldn't rate someone's likeability solely on whether they refer to you as "miss" or "ma'am". in other words, ix-nay on the death glare and coquettish giggling. it's not charming.

- you like b.l.t.'s a lot. maybe too much. they fill you with hope and satisfaction. don't get all fancy with them, though. think classic. and go make one.


with deep affection and
zero knowledge of your future follies,
past steph


p.s. if you still own those grey striped pajama bottoms with the hanging-by-a-thread (literally) drawstring... give them my love.

day 1 of 2nd grade

the first day of school brought:

too few photos.

no tears... just near-tears-grimaces. (from me)

the moment when isaac raised his hand during the first 20 minutes of class and said, "3.14159265." (also known as pi) ordinarily, this could have been thrilling, but the question had been, "what don't we do with scissors?"

a very sweet, new instructional aide for jacob. i might be in love with her. just a little.

a failed attempt at the parent (support group? mixer? networking seminar?) coffee talk. we gave it a solid 5 minutes before realizing that we could talk (and grimace) more freely elsewhere.

over 100 degree temperatures.

a celebratory trip to cral's jr. (or carl's jr., if you don't speak jacob-ese) for a "good milkshake" after a successful first day.

the highlight:

a second when jacob's aide turned to me and said, "we're going to have a great school year." and my whole heart believed her.

good night, grimace.

back to school wishes

jacob and isaac, only hours away from being second graders...

in spite of my denial. and the most earnest desire of my heart, for summer to never end. school starts tomorrow.

gulp.

tears. tightening of stomach. balled fists.

it is almost too much.

to battle (at least half-heartedly) the inevitable sorrow and stress that tomorrow will bring, i have a few wishes to make.

please let me not communicate above stated sorrow and stress to my very sensitive boys.

please let me remember to brush my hair before i leave the house.

please help me to remember every minimum day, parent-teacher conference, fundraiser night, birthday invitation, dress-up day, school spirit day, etc., etc.

please help my boys to make some good friends, or even, one good friend this year.

please give me the courage to speak to the other parents even when i: look terrible, don't feel like it, am beginning to look into homeschooling, or am afraid that they'll say something so thoughtless that i will have to turn their velour tracksuit into a juicy couture body bag.

please help me to tolerate velour tracksuits. apparently they are here to stay.

please no bullies. or parents enabling their bully children and emailing me. seriously. no, thanks.

please let everyone who interacts with my boys see, even if only for a moment, how wonderful they are. and give them the compassion to treat them that way.

please let my boys feel the strength and assurance that they are loved. beyond measure. all day. every day. forever. by me.

happy 2nd grade, isaac and jacob!!!

summer delight

the end of summer makes me feel sad. and kind of forlorn.

(when i write the word "forlorn", i think of an incredibly regrettable poem that attempts to make it rhyme with the word "unicorn". write me such a poem, and i will frame it. and love it. every single day. do it.)

a quick review of this summer's bounty:

i came back into the world of shorts. good for me. lame for onlookers.

i found and made (3 times!) the best cake for strawberry shortcake.

the boys all gained some freckles, and i wanted to name each of them. frederick, pip, vince, zeus, etc.

we tried out the drive-in movies and LOVED it. nobody even noticed that i held the bag of kettle corn the entire time...

we gained a big-boy bed and lost a couch.

the boys swam like fish. ate like horses. grew like weeds. and swore like sailors. (one of those was false)

i stayed up late, chatting with friends and doing my nails.

i didn't blow dry my hair unless i had to.

lucas and i were best friends.

isaac kissed me every day and made me laugh even when i shouldn't.

jacob built some amazing lego stuff, and made me tear up when he sang along to the radio in the car. (come on, usher really tugs on the heartstrings.)

we watched enough old reruns of SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE to convince us to watch the summer 2010 season.

we've had joint family outings with friends which multiplied the fun by the hundreds.

i've considered revisiting my childhood friendship bracelet making frenzy. what do you think? would it be rad?

under the boardwalk... down by the seeeeeaaaaa

there are probably all kinds of guilt. religious guilt. done-someone-wrong guilt. ate-all-your-child's-halloween-candy guilt. and those are all pretty rocky, and maybe even, vomit-inducing... but one form of guilt that i cannot seem to fall asleep through is the your-kid-missed-out guilt.

isaac told his teachers before school let out that we were going to legoland this summer. despite isaac's power of positive thinking strategy, we had no such plans. i laughed it off, but inside i worried. is a summer break really a summer break without a momentous excursion? probably. but just in case, i wasn't going to let guilt get the last laugh.

i was beginning to weigh various day trips when i was talking to k one afternoon. she suggested santa cruz beach boardwalk. her kids love it. top three selling points: beach, crazy rides, and garlic fries.

** i hadn't been to the boardwalk since i was about 15. and my family went one summer during a weeklong camping trip. yep. i said weeklong camping. on that trip i ended up with 19 mosquito bites ON MY FACE. 19. it was like vacation leprosy. it cannot be overstated that i do not like camping.**

k was planning to take her boys this past friday, and we decided to make it a two-car caravan.

the ride down, including 3 pit stops, went very smoothly. the boys like car travel. ragain likes listening to the radio. and i like eating chips and buttery pretzels. (crunch, crunch, crunch)

when we finally arrived at the boardwalk parking lot, jacob didn't want to get out. he said he wanted to stay in the car and take a nap. the trip took an abrupt nosedive. we convinced him to get out after a few minutes, but i was a little concerned. i hoped he would get into it once we started riding the rides...

first, family photo to prove we made it to our destination and were all still claiming to be related. in reviewing the photos, i realized i looked like a man. image omitted.

ride #1: ghost blasters. lucas and i ride together. he screams for the entire ride. i tell myself that the 19 mosquito bites were still infinitely worse.

next, the twins ride their first roller coaster. isaac buries his head in one of k's son's shoulders during the scary bits. but still, when he and jacob get off the ride, they look completely exhilarated. lucas looks jealous.

rides, rides, rides.

lucas and i foray into the world of dippin' dots. we're converted and have blue-stained mouths.

rides, rides, rides.

i almost have heart-failure as isaac and jacob soar over my head in the "superman" ride.

log ride. we get SOAKED!!! lucas looks like he wants his money back.

i scream like a maniac during the tilt-a-whirl ride. worse, i try to regain my composure over and over again by pointing out the ocean to the kids. then, the screams bubble out of my mouth again and the kids spend the rest of the ride imitating me saying, "look, the ocean. mmmmmm- aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!"

while putting lucas on a helicopter ride, the band, flock of seagulls, begins a beachside performance. no, seriously.

we dash out to the beach for a quick slosh in the waves, but by this time it's after 8 and freezing out in the sand. we run back to the boardwalk for several helpings of fries, and ok, maybe one corndog.

mmm fries...don't mind if i do...

lava-hot fries!

yikes!

we trudge reluctantly back to the parking lot with a warm bag of cinnamon glazed almonds jacob wants to be carried. he cries as he looks back at all the winking lights. then, kisses ragain's face, strokes his arm, and says, "thanks for bringing me."

isn't summer so good?

sleepy times

well, my little man lucas has graduated. sort of. graduated out of his crib, anyway. he was still cool with it, but at 4 1/2, it seemed like we were holding onto babyhood a little too tightly...

he's been in his big boy bed for about a week. he seems to like it pretty well. hasn't been upset about being put to bed in it... until last night. i tucked him in and he snuggled under the covers, but before i could blink he had bounced back out and was in the bathroom. i tucked him in again. and he was back out cavorting with animal toys. bed, again. then, demanding raisin bread in the living room. over and over. i lost track.

how was he gaining the upper hand? i'll tell you. it's so simple, it's laughable.

he kept calling to me.

mama.

and then running out to me. before you pity my weakness, can i just tell you one more thing? i've waited for this.

not even a week after lucas was diagnosed on the autism spectrum, we had family visiting for christmas. my brother-in-law and his wife came out from texas with their little boy who none of us had met yet. he was 14 months old, and adorable. he was toddling around and showing toys to his parents. he was marveling at everything. he was imitating words. but, most heartbreaking to me... he was calling for his mom. often. looking for her when she left the room.

in what felt like sharp contrast, lucas was relatively silent, although almost a full year older. he didn't call to me and rarely seemed to notice where i was. it was particularly obvious, earlier in the week, during his assessment. i remembered the task from the twins' assessments, but it didn't make it any easier. i was asked to call to lucas while out of his line of vision and while he was engaged in another activity. first, i have to say his name in a regular voice. then, slightly louder. then, with excitement, as though i have a treat for him.

he doesn't turn. he doesn't look.

it was. it is excruciating.

we have hit some major milestones since christmas 2006. lucas is talking quite a bit. he imitates words. he sings along to the radio. he greets his tutors. he kisses me when i lean my face toward him.

but, last night was the first night he called for me. like he only wanted me. like i was the only one who knew how to tuck him in. like he wanted to know where i was.

and i know what the parenting books say. and i know it's going to cost me hours of sleep in the future. and i don't care. after midnight last night, i was curled up, like a giant on a barbie-sized bed next to a very sleepy lucas. i thought about sneaking out, but every now and then, he would raise his head and look for me. then reach out his hand to touch my face. and i cried. because it's even better than i thought it would be.

thursday's stats

after downing an entire icee, anything seems like a good idea...even black nails.

1 viewing of goonies - providing 1 quote i hope to erase from isaac's memory

2 aching shoulders and bandaged fingers - thank you to the makers of the slip n' slide and my lack of spacial awareness

3 sleeping kids and loads of laundry - 3 scrubbed faces, a day's worth of angst, 1 dollar, 1 dime, and a 30+ year old teddy bear are all tucked in for what one hopes will be at least 8 hours... and the washer and dryer are still going

4 devoured vanilla scones, or "scrums", according to isaac - sometimes love is dipped in icing and flecked with vanilla bean

5 AM the hour that lucas woke up and began to wander the hall - "pee pee potty pee pee potty..."

6 chores being neglected - dishes, folding, blah, blah, blah...

7 episodes of backyardigans, including one in french... all regrettable - dvd for sale

8 dollars left on my itunes gift card - shouldn't milli vanilli be free?

9 reminders to "flush, and wash hands" - 1 timeout after someone screamed "no!"

10 chipped toenails - 10PM pedicure

a tooth fairy fan letter

dear tooth fairy,

how are you? how is your family? did you have a good weekend? we're fine. no, no. isaac hasn't lost another tooth since saturday. and, before that, thursday.

i hope we haven't exhausted you. but fear we might have. when i think about you lugging that last transformer... your little wings weighted down by what must have been exponentially heavier than your fairy-daintiness... my heart cries out a little. can you hear it with your tiny pointed ears?!?!?

then, i remember. of course! your tooth-shaped chariot! sure, you ripped off the idea from king triton, but making it tooth-shaped was all your idea. and you are an innovator, to be sure. also, i think that perhaps, like ants, you can lift things hundreds of times your size. am i onto something, here?

ok. enough about the logistics. as a long-time fan, i want to continue to pledge my devotion and adoration. you are a glittery wonder. each time you attempt to pry that little tooth in the ziploc baggie out of a snoring isaac's hand, and then have to give up and come back 30 minutes later. or, hover breathlessly over jacob's pillow and reach for what feels like forever to retrieve a pearly incisor. and then, finally, when you "transform" those little gnashers into tooth shaped notes, directing their recipients to a secret hiding place for a treat, my heart thrills. and i remember why i love you.

so, please forgive us for requiring you to work overtime this past week. (would it kill anyone to institute a "leave some cookies for the tooth fairy" custom?) we just can't seem to get enough of you, or rattle our remaining baby teeth out of our heads fast enough to keep you showing up night after night. we'll try to reign in our enthusiasm...

sincerely,

steph blackard

p.s. you used to know me as steffie. and i still remember the glittery footprints you left from my pillow to my bedroom window. (so awesome!!!) i think the policies must have changed on that one. new management?

p.p.s. as a head's up, isaac is working on another one and declared it "pretty wiggly".

one of my favorite, recent tooth fairy moments (6-18-10): the tooth note reclining on a ten dollar chaise lounge with an umbrella for jacob. in spite of bucking the leaving an actual treat tradition, jacob seemed pretty thrilled with his surprise.

great expectations

if you don't think that sometimes the expectation of something is just as good, if not better, that the actual delivery. you have:

a. never ordered take-out

b. never bought shoes online

c. never seen this photo of lucas, waiting for fireworks...




we had a very nice fourth of july. little bit of sleeping in. quick visit with k and her family before their vacation departure. (so sad. i had a lump in my throat when we left. that might make me slightly pathetic.) bbq chicken, mound of potato salad, corn on the cob and strawberry shortcake with ragain's parents. watched fireworks in old roseville with the same sweet family who hosted us last year. we thanked them by breaking a glow stick and spilling it all over their blanket. see you next fourth!!(?)

hands full

isn't it kind of strange when people say, "wow. you've got your hands full" ?

i feel like i hear that a lot. depending on how it's said and who says it, it sounds like it might mean:

a. better you than me.

b. that looks like hard work. and everyone knows hard work is awful and to be avoided at all costs.

c. you are awesome and completely capable.

frankly, i prefer to think people mean "c" even if their tone of voice really sounds more like "a" or "b". but the phrase always makes me feel uncomfortable, maybe because:

a. if it's in reference to my boys, well, i like what i've got.

b. i like my job.

c. empty hands steal stuff.

actually, 8 1/2 years ago, i did have empty hands. and you know what you would have caught me doing with them?

a. rocking 5 lb bags of flour in the grocery line.

b. patting a loaf of bread's pillowy bottom.

c. flipping through the pages of martha stewart's baby magazine in my car on my lunch break.

my empty hands knew what they were missing. so, i'll take them full, thanks.



how lucas keeps his hands full

"twin a"

so, a while ago, i posted something about my little "twin b". it was only a matter of time before his identical accomplice, isaac, was similarly written up.

1) isaac was once nicknamed mr. furious after the character of the same name in this movie whose super-power was to become really, really angry. i think we called him that for a month or two when he was a baby, but gave up on it when we realized that it might be mean. accurate, but mean.

2) he might have a flair for the dramatic that sometimes results in family members saying that they "wonder where he gets that from" with their eyebrows raised at me. well, i raise my eyebrows right back. and i'm really good at it because i trained my eyebrows in front of a mirror over a period of months as a young person. so, there.

3) isaac loves jokes. and never gets tired of them. never. ever.

"what does a hot dog say to another hot dog?"

"hi, frank."

4) at the age of 4, isaac nicknamed everyone he was in close contact with, a transformer name. i was "starscream". oh, and people will stare at you strangely in public, if you readily respond to your child when they address you as "starscream". just let them take their mental picture of awesomeness, and move on.

5) isaac makes me laugh regularly. my favorite quotes from this week have been:

"it's a two-bedded toy box trophy room!"- referring to the bedroom that he shares with jacob. 6/20

"it makes my teeth like chips."- on why he doesn't want the windows down while riding in the car. 6/21

"i'm dealing with a lot of tissues."- said in a gruff voice, while upset over having to get ready for bed. 6/24

6) he can't resist a microphone. it could be some kind of addiction. we need to rent out a karaoke bar. should we teach him "i will survive"?

7) for his audition for the wizard of oz, isaac sang/shouted "take me out to the ballgame". i think he really wowed the crowd with his enthusiasm. like, wow.

8) has a based-on-real-life-yet-kinda-imaginary girlfriend named "cindy white-ard". when asked to describe her, he has said that she has brown hair, is pretty, and likes cinderella toys. we think she's based on an actual little girl named sydney, but we can't be sure. we also think that isaac made up her last name with the idea that a color + "ard" = a plausible last name. try that formula for your next alias.

9) loves reading and being read to. has written a few books, one under the pen name, "stef blackard", with the scholastic symbol after the title. he'll probably be published before i ever am.

10) he is thoughtful and loving. he loves to remember people in his nighttime prayers, and has lately begun to incorporate some spanish phrasing into those same prayers. as in, "por favor bless oma." we have these very cute books to thank for the spanish. and i feel very thankful for my own little crumb cake.

(belated) shout out to dads and dad-types

yesterday was father's day. and, i was thinking about how i DO happen to know a few real stand-out fellows.

i know an uncle who takes his little niece to all sorts of fun places and events. and, even might buy her special shoes for those occasions. happy fathers day, unc-n-daddy! (that's you, c.s.)

i have a pal who has opened his home and heart to several foster children. he recently became a dad, in a legal sense, but he was probably halfway there when he told me how much he wanted to be a dad more than 10 years ago. i think he and his wife are amazing. happy father's day, j.f.!

i know a dad who listened sympathetically to a despairing daughter-in-law who had fatherly-troubles, and reminded her, that he was happy to also, be her dad. happy father's day, bobby tom!

and, i know a dad who looked after 5 little boys (while mom and friend ate baskets full of greek fries! i love you greek fries!) and called it fun. that same dad attends school meetings faithfully, packs lunches, gels cowlicks into place, fixes and re-fixes transformers, cleans up vomit, reads rhyming books, and makes a respectable grilled cheese. he also has some sincerely devoted little fans. happy father's day, r.a.f.b.!

happy father's day to all other awesome dads, uncles and grandpas out there!

all the stops

so, the recipe for cheer in my previous post didn't quite cut it...



let's see if these will do the trick.

"quiet as mimes"

as a frustrating situation with my extended family has unraveled in a very disappointing way, i haven't felt like saying much. or, more accurately, i've felt like saying a lot that is probably better left undocumented.

for that reason, i think i'll leave the weekend recap for another (more cheerful) day.



lucas c. november 2008, looking like a french mime. or, at least what i imagine a french mime to look like.


recipe for cheer

1 13x9 inch pan of very fudgy brownies

2-15 phone calls to mom and dear friends

1 5-disc dvd set of the office: season 5

10 bright red toenails

6 listens to this song (you're welcome)

100+ hugs and kisses from anyone delightful

1 old photo that makes you laugh


sweetest of dreams to you. also, the quote from the title is from this book, on page 81. it might have been my favorite part...

in bad taste

sometimes monday is like a crushed baby aspirin in honey. surrounded by thick sweetness, and kind of gag-inducing. i feel like you might know what i mean.

you know, usually, mondays seem especially awful when you had a particularly enjoyable weekend. which we did.

shall we cover the bad news first? the weekend was bookended by two very unfortunate incidents. friday afternoon: the stomach-knotting school meeting. (p.s. i think the crossed fingers may have worked as far as keeping my composure. p.p.s. i didn't call anyone any names out loud.) sunday night after 11pm: the discovery of a presentation/project for jacob due this morning (!). please insert fist-shaking.

on to the highlights:

1) tried to take the boys to burr's for what we (still) hoped would become a new ice-cream-filled family tradition. when we announced our destination, isaac cried, "but we already went there!" bewildered by any manner of ice cream-refusal, i asked him where he wanted to go, and he said, "mc donald's". please insert rant against commercialism and shrek-soaked marketing.-- oops, fake highlight.

2) dropped off some long overdue information packets and 3 bags of donation items. i am now 37 pounds lighter and no longer screening my calls from uc davis.

3) went to the dump with k. this was more fun than a truck bed full of carpet tacks. so literally. also, if you're ever in need of some undivided attention, make an all-girl trip to the dump. "have a nice day, ladies." "don't work too hard today, ladies." "you drive safe, ladies." in my head, i hear barry white saying that, but that's not really accurate.

4) davis ranch market in sloughhouse. i love this place. and i love watching it fill up with more and more awesome produce. it's almost corn festival time ! meet you there!

5) swim. swim. swimming. i didn't swim. but my boys sure did. thanks for hosting swim time (twice!), k. maybe i'll make it into the pool, myself, before the summer ends.


goggled jacob

6) bowling at strikes! i pulled something. and fell down. and i wasn't even bowling. i am so uncoordinated, i should wear reflective tape. but, you know what was strange? i wanted to bowl. like really wanted to! and i used to HATE bowling. or maybe i hated the inevitable rear view that bowling offered. whatever the case, i now have bowling fever. as does lucas. bowling league, anyone? no. seriously.


isaac and i, hoping for a strike!


lucas, future bowling league captain.

7) saturday night trip to whole foods followed by diligent baking efforts with a new cupcake recipe... and the results proved, sometimes it's all about the journey. (good thing we had pita chips.)

8) isaac's uncanny impersonations. the details are not family-friendly enough for this blog...

9) lucas saying, "i love you, mom." without prompting, when i first woke up. (he has said "i love you" before, but only in reply and never with my name attached.) it made for a very good morning.

10) family sing-along to this song.

here's hoping

i've got my fingers crossed for a couple of things right now.

don't underestimate the power of crossed fingers. i'm pretty sure it kept me from being called on 85% of the time, freshman and sophomore years of high school.**

**disclaimer** crossed fingers will not prevent horribly embarrassing moments: like tangling a wad of gum around the front brackets of your brand-new braces minutes before your crush-object speaks to you. tripping over a phone cord, causing your shoe to enter a room several moments before you do. turning your head to sneeze and spraying an entire car window with, um, spit. your dad failing to recognize your steady boyfriend, making you look like a tramp. calling an assemblyWOMAN, first a senator, and then, a MAN, to HER face.

the things that currently require my most earnest finger-crossing are:

an IEP for jacob tomorrow. this will be the last meeting of this school year, and will likely involve the school telling us to look for an alternate placement for jacob. as in, not in a mainstream classroom. will you join my crossed fingers in hoping that i will keep my composure? i'll need several sets of fingers on this one.

isaac has had a week of bad days at school. tears have flowed freely. milkshakes have been denied. and homework + leftover classwork have sucked up our free time and reserves of patience. if we can just make it through tomorrow, i think we can skate through the final week which will be taken up with art day, puzzle day, game day and teddy bear picnic day. (this last sentence begs the question, is there really a reason to go next week?)

our lil' walk needs some sponsorship (calling all businesses!!) and publicity (sac bee, get on the bandwagon, already!). a few more walk teams and volunteers wouldn't hurt, either.

my childhood rock collection is missing. tell me i didn't throw it out in a frothy-mouthed organizational frenzy! also, missing, all my concert t-shirts. they may not mean anything to you, but really, how can i ever hope to replace a marigold-colored shirt from anything box? or a giant hunk of quartz with red velvet glued to its scraggly underside? priceless, i assure you.

these are probably the most pressing issues. if i've forgotten something, please don't remind me. i only have so many fingers.

cranky-kins

lucas drinking from a drippy mister. he knows how to sell it, right?



do you ever feel impossibly cranky? the brand of cranky where you can only surface from it for an hour or two at a time?

i am sorry to say that i have been wrestling with crankiness for the past several days. crankiness quite possibly has me in the most relentless headlock of all time.

i find this terribly disappointing as tarot.com has assured me that with saturn going direct, it is, in fact, my turn to "get back in step with the beat and get out on the dance floor of life". i'm counting on you, saturn.

in spite of my general petulance, there are/have been reasons to crack a smile today. they are/were:

1) school will be out in 9 days!!!!

2) someone left a VERY good treat on my front door. xoxoxo

3) i did not hit another curb and knock my hubcap off in the school parking lot... again.

4) i have orange creamsicles in the freezer. they are waiting for me, and i will rendezvous with them as soon as i finish up, here.

5) all 3 boys passed out during the bedtime story, but i kept reading because i wanted to know what would happen next. ah, suspense!!

the memorial day weekend, in review. we attended 2 barbecues. we saw 2 sets of friends and 2 sides of families. the boys swam 1 time. we watched 1 movie (the hurt locker). we ate 0 donuts because our donut place was out (say what?!?!) by the time we got there. oh, and we made 1 trip to wal-mart which was 1 trip too many.

what about you? did you swim? what did you eat? was it delicious? should i try to make beignets from scratch? will i regret it? does regret really count when your fingers are all sugary and sticky?

don't answer that last one.

i am arwog

or, at least, i am when my fingers miss the home keys. for better or for worse, arwog is not capable of signing into the various sites where my name is required. consequently, web-related rejections abound.

i've made this typographical error multiple times this week... because i still don't feel all that great and i am super-spacey.

was i supposed to call you?

were we supposed to meet for lunch?

do i still have packets of information to fill out that i promised you over a week ago?

i do apologize.

a couple things have snapped me out of my brain-fog today. they are:

1) the realization that i had skipped a key piece of clothing while getting dressed. fear not. the sudden, and keen knowledge that something was amiss, alerted me before i made a grand debut anywhere.

2) singing along to c & c music factory (everybody dance now) in the car, and noting that i still remembered all the words to the unfortunate rap (?) sequence. you're judging me, aren't you?

3) isaac and jacob each kissing lucas hello when we picked them up from school. lucas giggled after each kiss, and i felt lucky.

4) during our after-school car ride, we came across a man in the bike lane. you couldn't miss him. he was wearing a fluorescent green shirt. and a camo hat. and riding an child's ancient scooter. the scooter appeared to be backward, like with 2 wheels in front and one in back. but he was holding onto a set of handles, so maybe i've gotten something skewed here. in any case, he was riding that thing like a maniac. i passed him. then, he came up next to us at a stoplight. it made me wonder...

is he riding it for fun?

did his car break down?

is it some kind of work-out?

should i check to make sure my doors are locked?

when the light turned green, we left him behind. but i could see him in my rearview mirror. he looked determined. and exuberant. and, you know, i kind of admired him.

i am now coherent enough to use my stove and make dinner, so i'm going to get to it.

arwog, over and out.


i love these birds. i don't know why. but i finally photographed them, so that i won't ever forget about them. yeah, i like them that much.

the weekend, and all its spoils

this past weekend was pretty good. and kinda packed. but, mostly in a good way. some of the highlights were:

celebrating mother's day (late) with my own mom, by heading out to the folsom outlets. mom found the (somewhat elusive) white jeans, in tall. she also found a purple top to wear to the baby shower that we were attending the following day. i came across a bad attitude while in the dressing room of the gap outlet and wore that around until i found the (ever elusive) haribo rainbow frogs in the random gourmet chef store. for me, the gourmet chef store ended up being the best shop of the day, even though i only purchased the frogs and a new scrub brush. typing it makes it sound strangely more pathetic. will the outing be redeemed if i mention that we ended it with nachos at dos coyotes? i thought so. (i also revisited the outlets, later, with ragain and all three boys. that trip involved slightly more adventure...)

next, the baby shower, for a very sweet baby awaited by some very sweet parents. i was lucky enough to get to go with both my mom, and sister, tia. i am now caught up on all the latest baby gadgetry and mom and tia helped me finish off the rainbow frogs.

trip to davis farm market. asparagus, onions, potatoes, avocados, lemons, and broccoli. all delicious, although dangerous should they escape the bags and roll under your feet while driving. i will knot the bag handles on all future trips. lesson learned.

ikea trip with k. bought some good cheer for 99 cents. if you can come across cheer for 99 cents, you need to buy it. no questions asked.

trip to burr's ice cream in east sac. i'd never been there before!!! mom, you might have let me down on this one. i blatantly defied my lactose intolerance and ate a toasted almond cone. it would have been worth the consequences if it had come down to that. wanna meet me there next friday night?

low points of the weekend...should i have written these first?

we watched "the lovely bones". can't recommend it. no offense intended to those who might have loved it. i spent several minutes with my head under a blanket and my hands over my ears, which might be why i had trouble embracing it. afterward, i had to watch an old 30 rock episode to cleanse my visual palate before going to bed. it kinda worked.

taking the twins to the bathroom at the folsom outlets. i suspect most parents bemoan taking their kids to the bathroom in public restrooms. it is time-consuming, at best. combining two kids who have sensory issues with bathrooms that have automatic everythings could be the first two ingredients in the recipe for insanity, anarchy or a very explicit documentary. please allow me to set the scene:

the boys are very tall and appear to be more like 9 years old, rather than 7.

i am hustling them into the ladies restroom, ignoring the stares of a woman and her 5 daughters. (by the way, i'm only good at ignoring the staring about 80% of the time.)

i herd the boys straight toward the handicap stall because i can keep an eye on everyone at once in there. bad news. it's not working.

i decide to try letting everyone go into their own individual stall. (we all fall victim to optimism sometimes, don't we? that optimism is a smooth talker.)

things appear to be going well. i can see both sets of feet. there are appropriate sound effects. and then the flushing starts. oh, sweet cherries! it's the automatic flushing kind.

i immediately step up the pace. i can hear each of the boys starting to exclaim over all the flushing. i can imagine them paralyzed in the stalls with their hands covering their ears as each of the toilets take turns flushing over and over again.

luckily, jacob is finished, and bolts out just as i do. isaac, however, was not quite finished. i peer through the cracks in the door and encourage him to hurry. hands clasped over his ears, he tells me he's not done.

i turn my attention to getting jacob's hands washed. i am suddenly reminded of the existence of the mom with 5 daughters. she and her clan are all finished and washing their collective hands at the end of the row of sinks. they're chattering and laughing over all the flushing.

and then, it begins.

the automatic dryers. all 3 of them. being used by all the kids.

jacob tries to cover his ears with his forearms while still washing his hands. he's shrieking over and over. we haven't even got to soap yet. i have to reach jacob's entire body across the counter to put his hands under the dispenser.

isaac is still in the stall behind us. making no progress due to the simultaneous flushing, laughing, and drying. i can hear him trying to say something, but i can't hear him over the noise, either.

the other mom leaves. but her girls stay behind. continuing to dry their hands. they seem to be fascinated by jacob's reaction. their hands have to be dry by now, but they're still running the dryers.

there are no paper towels. i let jacob wipe his on my hoodie.

i begin to plead with isaac through the door. he's so desperate to get out, he throws the door open with his pants still around his ankles. jacob is running in place, still shrieking and covering his ears. i'm trying to rush isaac through pulling up, buttoning and zipping.

the little girls are still watching. and still drying. i wash isaac's hands for him.

i take a shoulder of each boy, so they can continue to cover their ears. i half-push-half-guide them past the staring girls and horrendous dryers, and out the door.

we make it to the open air. the other mom is standing out there. impatient. waiting for her girls. unfortunately, i want to scream in her ears and ask her if she can think straight with that level of noise.

but my boys have forgotten about the whole thing... so, i have to, too.

final low point... i had a fever last night.

final high point... family donut run. watching lucas run with the MOST GLEEFUL look on his face in a circle in the donut shop. and hearing him say "dew-nut" before wiping the chocolate icing off on his bangs.

i hope your weekend had more high points than low. and i hope you had a donut.

we heart big spoon

and, luckily, big spoon hearts us, back.


isaac, referencing his own, "big spoon".


jacob, with his oma. thanks for helping out, oma!



lucas loves vanilla. the wide eyes prove it.

we've been fortunate enough that big spoon has hosted two fundraising and awareness events for our walk (definition below).

"the walk" refers to the sacramento walk now for autism speaks, formerly just sacramento walk now for autism. this walk is part of a national walk program. it raises money for autism research. it is a fun, family event complete with costumed characters, kid activities, entertainment, and most importantly, a resource fair featuring providers of autism-related services. i was there when this walk was born. and i feel all the affection that one can feel for something that is, while not a real-human-baby-or-anything, a thing that requires a great deal time and attention. it is, also, a thing that can frustrate, exhilarate, make you laugh, make you cry, hurt, and fill your heart all in one minute, in the same way a small child can. the walk is in its third year, and it looks a lot different than it did two years ago. there have been some growing pains. year two was as hard as most bouts of "terrible twos" and has been followed up by the suspiciously more challenging, year three. at its heart, though, is a group of people... parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles, friends, teachers, and tutors, who are touched by autism. very simply, it is obvious why i am involved in this. all three of my sweet, sweet boys are on the autism spectrum. there is no known cause or cure. resources and treatments are disappearing or slipping further and further out of reach every day. i am fortunate. while i might struggle, i have a dedicated and loving family. i have an exquisite group of friends. and i have the example of the parents and caregivers who i volunteer alongside. also, did i mention that my boys are precious and do not fail to make me smile? this is a longer description than i had intended. the bullet points are: sacramento walk now for autism speaks is awesome (you'll come, won't you? raley field, 10-10-10), walk planning can be tricky but is redeemed by the amazing feeling of volunteering and the friendship of some of the compassionate people in the world.


the 2009 walk chairs at the close of last year's walk. we were officially delirious at this point.



the starting point of the 2009 walk at raley field. i accidentally called the start of this walk without geoffrey the giraffe in his contractual position. remind me to tell you about it sometime.


back to big spoon. on april 29th, all the local big spoon stores (10 total) gave our walk 30% of the proceeds from all sales made with our fundraiser card. frozen yogurt that gives back to our walk is a no-brainer at our house.

isaac and jacob mostly love the topping portion of the store, but haven't quite figured out what tastes really go together... on the other hand, maybe you can't really go wrong? i'm going to say, though, that jacob might have been disappointed with his choice of lemon yogurt and chocolatey candies. after the first bite, the subsequent bites seemed far less enthusiastic. he might come by it honestly, i remember always getting jelly bellies on my chocolate frozen yogurt (at penguin's. tell me you remember it!!!!) and somehow there would always be that spearmint or cinnamon bean that would make me really question my decision making skills.

lucas got plain vanilla and seemed to enjoy it. my enjoyment was slightly hampered by another instance of poor decision making where i thought it would be JUST FINE to allow lucas to bring in the animal book that he'd swiped from isaac's classroom earlier in the day. nothing happened to it. but the fear that something might, was a little oppressive and may have furthered the progress of my crow's feet. why crow's feet, why??

our cups full of yogurty-delight were only matched by the little band of friends who came to the roseville location. we got to tickle a sweet baby's feet, make silly faces for the camera, and befriend (terrify) a tiny dog. oh, and our walk total swelled a bit. a very good evening.

want to check out our baby? i mean, walk? maybe register for it or become a fan of it on facebook? please do.


sacramento walk now for autism speaks