sleepy times

well, my little man lucas has graduated. sort of. graduated out of his crib, anyway. he was still cool with it, but at 4 1/2, it seemed like we were holding onto babyhood a little too tightly...

he's been in his big boy bed for about a week. he seems to like it pretty well. hasn't been upset about being put to bed in it... until last night. i tucked him in and he snuggled under the covers, but before i could blink he had bounced back out and was in the bathroom. i tucked him in again. and he was back out cavorting with animal toys. bed, again. then, demanding raisin bread in the living room. over and over. i lost track.

how was he gaining the upper hand? i'll tell you. it's so simple, it's laughable.

he kept calling to me.

mama.

and then running out to me. before you pity my weakness, can i just tell you one more thing? i've waited for this.

not even a week after lucas was diagnosed on the autism spectrum, we had family visiting for christmas. my brother-in-law and his wife came out from texas with their little boy who none of us had met yet. he was 14 months old, and adorable. he was toddling around and showing toys to his parents. he was marveling at everything. he was imitating words. but, most heartbreaking to me... he was calling for his mom. often. looking for her when she left the room.

in what felt like sharp contrast, lucas was relatively silent, although almost a full year older. he didn't call to me and rarely seemed to notice where i was. it was particularly obvious, earlier in the week, during his assessment. i remembered the task from the twins' assessments, but it didn't make it any easier. i was asked to call to lucas while out of his line of vision and while he was engaged in another activity. first, i have to say his name in a regular voice. then, slightly louder. then, with excitement, as though i have a treat for him.

he doesn't turn. he doesn't look.

it was. it is excruciating.

we have hit some major milestones since christmas 2006. lucas is talking quite a bit. he imitates words. he sings along to the radio. he greets his tutors. he kisses me when i lean my face toward him.

but, last night was the first night he called for me. like he only wanted me. like i was the only one who knew how to tuck him in. like he wanted to know where i was.

and i know what the parenting books say. and i know it's going to cost me hours of sleep in the future. and i don't care. after midnight last night, i was curled up, like a giant on a barbie-sized bed next to a very sleepy lucas. i thought about sneaking out, but every now and then, he would raise his head and look for me. then reach out his hand to touch my face. and i cried. because it's even better than i thought it would be.