monday says "uncle"

                                                       lucas, sticky with melted chocolate   

first of all, let me wish you a happy autism awareness month.  it is april.  we have just celebrated our fourth world autism awareness day (april 2nd, as declared by the united nations).  my family and i, along with many of our friends and family have lit our porches and homes with a blue light to raise autism awareness.  it is a small gesture.  but hugely important.  

i will write more about it.  but not tonight.

secondly, the photo above was taken moments after lucas announced, "mom, i love chocolate."  

to be clear, lucas has gained a lot of language.  but the moments where he makes spontaneous statements, that aren't limited to requests or referencing of objects that he's looking at, are really rare.  they're the kind of "getting-to-know-you" sentences that give you an insight into what someone might really be thinking about.  or is really important to them.  and i reacted like you might if you were on a first date with someone who you were desperate to have a something in common with... 

"i love chocolate, too!!!!"  

my gushing could have been embarrassing, but there were limited witnesses.  

and now for today's stats:

one- promise to go to the park after school made quickly to prevent a before-school meltdown.  kiss on each hand of each twin as i walked them onto the schoolyard.  old gentleman who winked at me.  puddle-filled bathroom, after jacob decided to re-wash his hair in the sink after he'd had a shower.

countless- ounces of dr. pepper.  instances of near-tears. (me)  times forcing lucas to put his pajamas back on after he got water on them.  regrets over speaking harshly to the boys, even though i intended to give them a fun movie night. 

smiles given when- lucas climbed on my lap and watched a "how to make a paper boat" tutorial.  i had all three boys under covers while i read the fourth chapter of "the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe". and, when isaac and jacob, while locked in a vicious neck grip, had this conversation,

isaac:  "say 'uncle'!!!"

jacob:  "say 'cheese'!"

i am lucky.  and i am ready to put this day to bed.  

oh, and later this week, i have the opportunity to talk to a group of ladies about autism... fingers crossed for me, alright?

tucked in

my mom brings this rug over for her dog, shiloh, when

she comes to babysit.  lucas always hurries to find

nemo to tuck him in, you know, in the "anemone".

the twins are both sick.  they've been sick since sunday. 

feverish.  congested.  cranky.

the weather commiserates.  

gloomy.  gray.  rainy.

but the week cranks on.  tutoring meeting for lucas, planning team meeting with tutoring company and regional center, and last night, a meeting for a new autism "project".

i like new projects.  i like the renewal of hope and purpose.  and i like the energy and the shift of perspective.  

in one of my favorite documentaries about autism , a particular dad says something about the realization that your child has autism and that's it.  forever.  my heart always sinks when he says that part.  not because it resonates with me as true.  

but, because it doesn't.  

even though, i understand the heartache that made him say it.  

can i tell you something?  for me.  when it started to get lighter.  when i got my bearings.  when i could see straight.  when i could breathe without the word autism catching in my throat.  i saw the tiny platform, high above the ground, that my little family huddled on for what it was.  

a jumping off point.  

not the summary.  or the resting place.  it was the start of our trajectory.  and in the distance.  maybe beyond where anyone can see, is where we'll end up.  maybe it will have only been a few feet.  maybe a few thousand.  but that tiny, precarious platform was not "it".  and it is not "forever".  

and i am grateful to know that.  

at this moment,  i feel movement in the autism community.  there is a stronger commitment to awareness and an urgency to forward positive changes.  and there are moments when i get to be a part of that.  and i am lucky to have those moments.  i am even luckier, to get to think about them, from a warm spot at home.  tucked in with my sweet little boys, and an upturned icee on the carpet.    

***in response to the autism-related events and reading that i've been doing.  also, with an eye on the approach of april, as autism awareness month.    

sleepy times

well, my little man lucas has graduated. sort of. graduated out of his crib, anyway. he was still cool with it, but at 4 1/2, it seemed like we were holding onto babyhood a little too tightly...

he's been in his big boy bed for about a week. he seems to like it pretty well. hasn't been upset about being put to bed in it... until last night. i tucked him in and he snuggled under the covers, but before i could blink he had bounced back out and was in the bathroom. i tucked him in again. and he was back out cavorting with animal toys. bed, again. then, demanding raisin bread in the living room. over and over. i lost track.

how was he gaining the upper hand? i'll tell you. it's so simple, it's laughable.

he kept calling to me.

mama.

and then running out to me. before you pity my weakness, can i just tell you one more thing? i've waited for this.

not even a week after lucas was diagnosed on the autism spectrum, we had family visiting for christmas. my brother-in-law and his wife came out from texas with their little boy who none of us had met yet. he was 14 months old, and adorable. he was toddling around and showing toys to his parents. he was marveling at everything. he was imitating words. but, most heartbreaking to me... he was calling for his mom. often. looking for her when she left the room.

in what felt like sharp contrast, lucas was relatively silent, although almost a full year older. he didn't call to me and rarely seemed to notice where i was. it was particularly obvious, earlier in the week, during his assessment. i remembered the task from the twins' assessments, but it didn't make it any easier. i was asked to call to lucas while out of his line of vision and while he was engaged in another activity. first, i have to say his name in a regular voice. then, slightly louder. then, with excitement, as though i have a treat for him.

he doesn't turn. he doesn't look.

it was. it is excruciating.

we have hit some major milestones since christmas 2006. lucas is talking quite a bit. he imitates words. he sings along to the radio. he greets his tutors. he kisses me when i lean my face toward him.

but, last night was the first night he called for me. like he only wanted me. like i was the only one who knew how to tuck him in. like he wanted to know where i was.

and i know what the parenting books say. and i know it's going to cost me hours of sleep in the future. and i don't care. after midnight last night, i was curled up, like a giant on a barbie-sized bed next to a very sleepy lucas. i thought about sneaking out, but every now and then, he would raise his head and look for me. then reach out his hand to touch my face. and i cried. because it's even better than i thought it would be.

we heart big spoon

and, luckily, big spoon hearts us, back.


isaac, referencing his own, "big spoon".


jacob, with his oma. thanks for helping out, oma!



lucas loves vanilla. the wide eyes prove it.

we've been fortunate enough that big spoon has hosted two fundraising and awareness events for our walk (definition below).

"the walk" refers to the sacramento walk now for autism speaks, formerly just sacramento walk now for autism. this walk is part of a national walk program. it raises money for autism research. it is a fun, family event complete with costumed characters, kid activities, entertainment, and most importantly, a resource fair featuring providers of autism-related services. i was there when this walk was born. and i feel all the affection that one can feel for something that is, while not a real-human-baby-or-anything, a thing that requires a great deal time and attention. it is, also, a thing that can frustrate, exhilarate, make you laugh, make you cry, hurt, and fill your heart all in one minute, in the same way a small child can. the walk is in its third year, and it looks a lot different than it did two years ago. there have been some growing pains. year two was as hard as most bouts of "terrible twos" and has been followed up by the suspiciously more challenging, year three. at its heart, though, is a group of people... parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles, friends, teachers, and tutors, who are touched by autism. very simply, it is obvious why i am involved in this. all three of my sweet, sweet boys are on the autism spectrum. there is no known cause or cure. resources and treatments are disappearing or slipping further and further out of reach every day. i am fortunate. while i might struggle, i have a dedicated and loving family. i have an exquisite group of friends. and i have the example of the parents and caregivers who i volunteer alongside. also, did i mention that my boys are precious and do not fail to make me smile? this is a longer description than i had intended. the bullet points are: sacramento walk now for autism speaks is awesome (you'll come, won't you? raley field, 10-10-10), walk planning can be tricky but is redeemed by the amazing feeling of volunteering and the friendship of some of the compassionate people in the world.


the 2009 walk chairs at the close of last year's walk. we were officially delirious at this point.



the starting point of the 2009 walk at raley field. i accidentally called the start of this walk without geoffrey the giraffe in his contractual position. remind me to tell you about it sometime.


back to big spoon. on april 29th, all the local big spoon stores (10 total) gave our walk 30% of the proceeds from all sales made with our fundraiser card. frozen yogurt that gives back to our walk is a no-brainer at our house.

isaac and jacob mostly love the topping portion of the store, but haven't quite figured out what tastes really go together... on the other hand, maybe you can't really go wrong? i'm going to say, though, that jacob might have been disappointed with his choice of lemon yogurt and chocolatey candies. after the first bite, the subsequent bites seemed far less enthusiastic. he might come by it honestly, i remember always getting jelly bellies on my chocolate frozen yogurt (at penguin's. tell me you remember it!!!!) and somehow there would always be that spearmint or cinnamon bean that would make me really question my decision making skills.

lucas got plain vanilla and seemed to enjoy it. my enjoyment was slightly hampered by another instance of poor decision making where i thought it would be JUST FINE to allow lucas to bring in the animal book that he'd swiped from isaac's classroom earlier in the day. nothing happened to it. but the fear that something might, was a little oppressive and may have furthered the progress of my crow's feet. why crow's feet, why??

our cups full of yogurty-delight were only matched by the little band of friends who came to the roseville location. we got to tickle a sweet baby's feet, make silly faces for the camera, and befriend (terrify) a tiny dog. oh, and our walk total swelled a bit. a very good evening.

want to check out our baby? i mean, walk? maybe register for it or become a fan of it on facebook? please do.


sacramento walk now for autism speaks

good gracious

mmmm. i've missed a few things over the last week and a half. a couple trips, outings and one e.r. visit.

backing up to last weekend, not the one we just had, but the one before it (april 17th & 18th). that saturday, we piled in the van and headed off to bodega bay. i love bodega bay. loved it as a kid. love it now. still vaguely creeped out that "the birds" was filmed there. but, really, nothing can bring people together like the threat of being pecked to death. do you feel the same? bodega bay is both eerie and beautiful, is it not? the trees look like they were shaped by the wind. it's always cold-ish. and there are a bizarre number of fisherman carvings EVERYWHERE. ok. i'm over-selling it.

we had taken the twins once when they were 10 or 11 months old. we have photos of them, bundled in fleece, with windburned cheeks in the sand. and, then, never again. until now. (apologies, lucas.)

here is the photographic evidence of our successful adventure:







we had a lot of fun. we splashed. we got far more wet than we (i) EVER intended. we ate sand (jacob). we screamed for whales (lucas). we tried to destroy someone's sandcastle but luckily became distracted by a dog (isaac). we got ice cream (kids) and hot dogs (parents) at the dawg house- this is tradition. we'll be heading back again, soon. we loved it just that much...

we followed up those good feelings with a trip to the emergency room the following day. lucas was trying to pull something out of a cabinet and a wooden activity board fell on his 4th toe, left foot. it looked awful. it broke the skin. it swelled and turned purple. i called the advice nurse and described it so vividly, that she was exclaiming on the other end as though someone had dropped something on her toe. after discussing it with her, we decided to run him to the emergency room just to check it all out. lucas was a very good sport. had some snacks. played with some toys. rolled all over the gurney. had an x-ray. was proclaimed fracture-free and dismissed. here he is, in a rare somber moment:



skipping ahead to this past weekend. we had a busy saturday. it was our 3rd annual autism awareness day at fairytale town in sacramento. isaac and jacob got to sing with some of the other kids from SENSE theatre on the mother goose stage. we hosted an information booth, painted faces, provided kid activities, and featured a variety of vendor booths for providers of autism-related services. we got to meet a lot of families and talk to a lot of nice people. the boys got to run all over the crooked mile and eat rainbow sno-cones. it was exhausting...but the weather was beautiful...my boys were so happy...and i love our volunteers- fellow parents, caring teachers, enthusiastic high school students and super-awesome tutors. these people are bright spots in my life. and i'm grateful for them. love, love, love you.